A God of my choosing

I love Source

When I was just starting out on my journey I felt unworthy. not from people but unworthy of the love of Source. I was raised in the south. My grandmother would take me to church when I was little, My mother never went to church. I was never pushed to go to church after I stopped staying with my grandmother as a child. 

I later found my way as a preteen to a local baptist church not far from the place we were living. I had always gravitated towards God.  Never knew why it just felt right. I would go on Sunday mornings and listen to the sermon. We had a classic southern baptist preacher. Fire and brimstone was the message of the day. I can remember his face getting so red it almost matched his hair. I was baptized at 13 not really understanding what that truly meant. I felt God had a plan for me. this was the early 1990’s. I truly was under the care and guidance of Source then.  I was truly in my vortex and feeling my divinity. 

Then the damn broke and my stepfather’s abuse started.  I had been abused since I was a little kid this was just overt abuse. That happened till I got married at 17 and moved out. without healing the trauma of my past I was in the same situation different face, not alcoholism but still abuse. I never really went back to church after getting married. I spent 20+ years trying to make something work that was never going to be what i needed. I got divorced and was then a single father of three kids. I didn’t handle it very well looking back on it but it taught me a lot about myself. 

that’s when I woke up and started the ascension process, the part where God showed up literally in my room. I am very clairsentient. I feel energy like most people see with their eyes. I felt that loving presence and instantly knew it was God. I thought God hated me all these years with all the health issues and the problems I faced. I thought God was punishing me like I had been taught by that preacher so many years ago. 


It took me a while to understand my perception of God was off. By this time I had two versions of God in my head. I could not even say the word God without feeling unworthy.  I also had Source energy which I knew loved me more than I could comprehend. Can you imagine having two different versions of God existing at the same time?


That’s when it struck me they were the same. I just had been taught God was a certain way by someone else. This teaching was not my version of God it was a shallow human version that didn’t really exist. I reconciled what I had been taught to what I knew I felt that day, 

later a friend would introduce me to Alanon. The one thing that resonated first and hardest for me was “A God of MY choosing.” That’s in the big book for those in the know. It’s one of the first things you read in their materials. I had the ah-ha moment right then and there. I choose my relationship with God/Source. Game changer I tell ya. i realized that in a world that everything is vibration and law of attraction whatever I thought about God would manifest for me. If I thought God hated me I would be shown that. I now know I get to choose God. However, I want Source to appear to me it happens. This does not mean if I want God to hate me God will. God only loves you because you are Source incarnate. it simply means i will be shown things that i believe to be true. God loves me enough to allow me to have whatever i want even if it’s not positive, 

What are you choosing Source to be in your life? 

Love and happiness or struggle and lack?





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